A Mother’s Dictionary

SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, flu and even pneumonia.
SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children’s clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child’s “special needs.”
TERRIBLE TWO’S: Having both kids at home all [...]

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Thanksgiving at my house

Dear Guests at my Thanksgiving table: 

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.  I’m telling you in advance, so don’t act surprised.

Since Ms. Stewart won’t be coming, I’ve made a few small changes:  Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries.  After a trial run, it was decided that [...]

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FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

NUMBER 5: ‘They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.’
NUMBER 4 : ‘This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.’
NUMBER 3 : ‘Whew!? Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!’
NUMBER 2: ‘Did you ever [...]

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Haunting Halloween Harmonies…

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the [...]

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Pet Diaries: Dog vs. Cat…

The Dog’s Diary:
8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – [...]

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MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.  Please select from the following options menu:
 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly
 

.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you
 

.If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6
 

.If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you [...]

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Humor for Lexophiles

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. 
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s
all right now. 
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. 
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder [...]

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