MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.  Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy any way.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 . If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 . If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry … You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.  You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.  Well, my job is done . .. . . . your turn!

NEWS! NEWS! NEWS!

The contract’s signed and in … so I can announce…

I sold another book to Samhain~ WOOHOO!

It will be out in “E” in early 2009 and in print in late 2009.

It is a Contemporary western-ish novel set in Wyoming. (Cowboys, horses and bad guys OH MY!)

if you stay REAL still . . .

Honestly I don’t know folks in the “early days” did it. Our A/C went out Friday night. In Texas in June that’s ugh! unbelievable. Sunday the temp got up to 101° outside and I can only imagine what it was inside the house after being high nineties on Saturday (we saw a movie, went to the mall, hit a bookstore). Last Summer we replaced the outside unit with fingers crossed the crap up in the attic would last longer–well it made it 11 months.

I will say, I whimped out and took the boys to a hotel room Saturday night. We were close enough that I could come home a couple of times and check on the dogs (creepy driving to your own home at 6 in the a.m.–I so never lived a wild life!). The boys got to swim/hottub alone for over an hour, they had a full breakfast bar (and I swear they ate enough to cover half the room cost!) and we had a cool night’s sleep. (last year, I was at conference and the DH had to deal with the July heat–lots of QT drinks and trips to stores he wouldn’t normally do with the gaggle of guys).

Monday: enter A/C repair. At first we hoped it was just out of Freon. They came out and it took a look on Martin’s (the wondabus A/C dude’s assistant) face for me to know it didn’t look good. He said it was not only empty of Freon, but COMPLETELY empty. He refilled it–but didn’t hold out hope it would take. It stayed cool until Tuesday morning then like a flash, the house heated back up ten degrees in about two hours. Luckily a storm front came through and dropped the temp to mid 70s. Tomorrow we will get the coils in the attic replace and I hope that is it!

If you train a fan or three on you, and stay REAL still, it’s not horrible, horrible, but you feel all ickified!

Again, I really have no clue how folks managed to do it back before central heat and air! (I remember stifling summers in west Texas at the gps w/ nothing more than the water cooler a/c thingie–humid and hot Sheesh!) I *heart* modern conveniences!!!!!!

 

EDITED 6-20-08: I should also mention this all happened with the dh being away for already two weeks due to basketball playoffs . . . . at the time no telling when he’d be back–we have to wait til the series is over. Thankfully Boston creamed LA and ended it and he came home yesterday to a cool house! (just in time for our anniversay TODAY 6-20-08 . . .16 years . . . WOW!)

Humor for Lexophiles

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. 

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s
all right now. 

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. 

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind
in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy at the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on
shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your
Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat
miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat. 

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done

tagged……Don’t be Lame!

(This was supposed to be e-mail, but I like to buck the system… if you wanna play, take it and tag folks!)

1. What is your occupation? Stay at home mom and Writer
2.. What color are your socks right now? None I’m barefooted
3. What are you listening to right now? All My Children
4. What was the last thing that you ate? York peppermint patty J

5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yeah, NO
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?  Periwinkle—that was my fave as a child.
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? The hubby..
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? I guess, kidding kidding, love her more than my luggage!
9. How old are you today?  A day older than yesterday.
10. Favorite drink? Pomegranate tea

11. What is your favorite sport to watch? Hockey—so sexy!
12. Have you ever dyed your hair?  Only since I was 17

13. Pets? Two dogs

14. Favorite food? Duh, chocolate.
15. Last movie you watched?  Prince Caspian
16. Favorite Day of the year?  Every day you wake up
17. What do you do to vent anger?   Yell at the hubby
18. What was your favorite toy as a child?  Tinker toys
19. What is your favorite season? Spring
20. Hugs or kisses?  I am more inclined to have M & M’s—oh you didn’t mean the candy….
21. Cherry or Blueberry? Pomegranate
22. Do you want your friends to email you back?   what-evah
23. Who is most likely to respond?  Dunno
24. Who is least likely to respond?  Dunno times 2
25. What ever happened to parents who gave a care?  What do you mean? Mine still do.
26. When was the last time you cried?  Last night, but it was from laughing (well okay earlier watching TV there was a touching moment)
27. What is on the floor of your closet? Carpet?!?! 
28. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? Uh, not gonna do that…
29. Who is the friend you have had the shortest that you are sending this to?  Ditto
30. Favorite smell? Just washed (not dried) laundry—I’m weird what can I say
31. Who inspires you?  everyone
32. What are you afraid of? Being alone
33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? Hmm.. regular
34. Favorite car?  Jaguar
35. Favorite cat breed? I like dogs…
36. Number of keys on your key ring? 9 (to 4 diff houses—woohoo!)
37. How many years at your current job? 13 and 20

38. Favorite day of the week?   Today
39. How many states have you lived in? 2 Texas and Alaska

40. Do you think you’re funny?  You betcha 

Don’t Be Lame!!

 

 

 

 

My new cover…

I am so excited to present my new cover….

 

My New Release

My new release is up on Samhain’s website . . .  WOOHOO!!

 

 

TRADING FACES

comes out in e-format August 5th

STAY TUNED for more info

 

Kids are quick….

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
 MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

NUMBER 5: ‘They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.’ NUMBER 4 : ‘This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.’ NUMBER 3 : ‘Whew!? Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!’ NUMBER 2: ‘Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards whe n you put your ear down real close?’ And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) ‘… in Jesus’ name, Amen

Contest…contest…contest

Have you entered the contest yet. . . .

Check it out CONTEST page and you too could be the proud owner of one of 20+ prizes

 

WOOHOO!!!